Stories of Waiting

It all comes down to simple math

I recently got furious over a person’s comments on a story about server etiquette.

In his mind, servers have no right to complain about poor tips, because we make enough money already.

He asserted (WARNING: Math ahead) that if a server has four tables of four people each, each table being turned over every two hours, with the average check being $100, and the people tip just 10%, plus minimum wage:

[ (4 x 100 x 10%)/2 ] + 7.25 = $27.25 per hour

We should be happy with that, right?

In actuality, I would, if I really made that much an hour.

Here is how it really works, using the same number of tables and tip %:

[ (4 x 100 x 10%)/2 ] - (400 x 4%) + 2.13 =  $6.13 per hour.

Huge difference, huh? What happened? That’s less than minimum wage.

Well, servers tip-out the busboys, back-waiters, and bartenders an average of 4% of the net sales (hence the “400 x 4%” part).

Whatever percentage you tip, subtract 4%. That’s what the server is getting.

And for anybody working in a tip-based profession, their minimum wage can be $2.13, according to US Federal Law.

If you do the math right, and tip too low, the server can actually owe the restaurant money. And I haven’t even talked about how servers owe Federal and State tax on both the hourly wage AND the tips earned.

You see, now, one of the reasons why servers get frustrated at people who tip poorly?

Don’t Be That Guy, episode 1: The plate hander

I appreciate the thought. I do, really.

But when you hand me a stack of plates, each of a different shape, don’t act surprised if some of the silverware or chopsticks come tumbling out of the crevasses onto your lap or head.

If you’ve never played Tetris, leave the plates where they are. I’m a professional; I’ll get them and give you room to put your iPhone on the table so everyone can see.

Please don’t sit there extending your arm to me, inching it closer, with a dirty plate in your hand while I’m boxing up your leftovers either. Just leave it on your table…. no, don’t place it on my tray because I’m busy. Patience.

EVERYBODY!

Just leave the plates on the table. Us servers are not going to leave them; we want a good tip. They will not start to grow mold in the seconds between your last bite and my job to remove it. 

Stack them, if you will. Do it with intelligence. It is not a Jenga competition. You will not get a free dessert for the highest stack, even if it looks like the Devil’s Tower. Just let me pick it up.

Thank you all.

The most adult 11-year-old ever

I greet a family of four, a mother with her two daughters and one son. I say my greeting, explain PF Chang’s to them, and ask what they’d like to drink while the peruse the menu. Water for the mother and son, sweet tea for the eldest daughter.

I get to the little girl. She looks so sweet and innocent. Still, I never put on the “I’m-older-than-you-and-I’m-gonna-talk-down-to-you” voice for the kids. Hell, I never liked it when I was young. So I ask her what she’d like.

“A Sprite, please. And don’t put it in a child’s cup,” she says very jaded, but respectful.

I was taken aback. This baby-faced, blond girl whom speaks most elequintely and direct, made me stutter and stumble in my own words. She’s going to be a heart-breaker; a man-killer in 7 years.

So, what did I do?

Prepare two glasses of Sprite, one in a glass and one in a child’s cup, naturally. I return to the table, and slide the kids cup to her.

The 8 emotions that swept over her face started with shock and ended with anger. I’m sure she wanted to jump over the table and smash the plastic cup into my face. Her family found it much more humorous when they realized the joke and I handed her the real glass.

I think she appreciated the whole situation more when I brought her a mini chocolate cake that I bought for her.

Server confession #1

If we only have regular and you order decaf coffee, you will be up all night. You cannot taste the difference.

We have no time to wait for more decaf to brew. (sometimes we will come back and inform you of the bad news)