June 2010
4 posts
4 tags
It all comes down to simple math
I recently got furious over a person’s comments on a story about server etiquette.
In his mind, servers have no right to complain about poor tips, because we make enough money already.
He asserted (WARNING: Math ahead) that if a server has four tables of four people each, each table being turned over every two hours, with the average check being $100, and the people tip just 10%, plus...
“The beef fried rice. Does that ome with rice?”
– Seriously.
“Table for one. Non-smoking. View of the ocean.”
– Guy to the hostess (to clarify, the restaurant is in the middle of North Carolina).
May 2010
1 post
Don't Be That Guy, episode 1: The plate hander
I appreciate the thought. I do, really.
But when you hand me a stack of plates, each of a different shape, don’t act surprised if some of the silverware or chopsticks come tumbling out of the crevasses onto your lap or head.
If you’ve never played Tetris, leave the plates where they are. I’m a professional; I’ll get them and give you room to put your iPhone on the table...
April 2010
2 posts
“I think there is a correlation between head shape and tip percentage they leave:...”
– other server frustrated at big headed customers.
“Have a great west of the reekend.”
– server to cusotmers, after working his third double.
March 2010
4 posts
Where are patios normally?
Hostess: "There is a short wait for a table, but we can seat in out on the patio immediately if you'd like."
Woman: "Where? Is that inside?"
The most adult 11-year-old ever
I greet a family of four, a mother with her two daughters and one son. I say my greeting, explain PF Chang’s to them, and ask what they’d like to drink while the peruse the menu. Water for the mother and son, sweet tea for the eldest daughter.
I get to the little girl. She looks so sweet and innocent. Still, I never put on the...
“You guys have any Philly Cheese steak sandwiches? No? Why? Any type of sandwich?...”
– She was serious too. (Why? Because we’re a Chinese restaurant)
January 2010
8 posts
Health code procedures: Zero-tolerance
Manager: "The box of fortune cookies cannot be left on the ground. It's a health code violation."
*manager dumps contents into plastic container that normally hold the cookies. some fall to the ground. he then proceeds to pick them up off the ground and place them in the same container*
Server: "Those were just on the ground."
*Manger shrugs and walks away*
2 tags
Server confession #1
If we only have regular and you order decaf coffee, you will be up all night. You cannot taste the difference.
We have no time to wait for more decaf to brew. (sometimes we will come back and inform you of the bad news)
“I’d really like some bread.”
– Rich gentleman asking me for bread at a Chinese restaurant. When I couldn’t answer becuase I was at a loss for words, his wife had to explain why we didn’t have any. He was very perplexed as to why ANY restaurant didn’t have free bread.
3 tags
“We have orange juice and orange drink… which one do you want?”
– (other!) server’s thought to himself when a big black lady asked for orange juice.
4 tags
“It won’t matter. There’s enough salt in that to make it...”
– Server, on the topic of some customers being disgusted that a friend wanted to combine every one’s leftovers into the same box he put his in.
2 tags
The most authentic thing on the P.F. Chang's menu
Customer: "Can you tell me about the chicken flatbread? What is it?"
Server: "Its like a quesadilla, but this isn't a Mexican restaurant, so we call it a flatbread."
C: "Oh.... is it any good?"
S: "Well, all out cooks in the back are Mexican, so its probably the most authentic thing on the menu."
2 tags
Wanna add free food?
Next time you go to P.F. Chang’s, keep in mind that you can add any of these veggies/other to your dish, free of charge.
bean sprouts
black mushrooms
bok choy
cabbage
carrots
cashews
almonds
candied walnuts
celery
cucumber
daikon radish (maybe)
garlic
ginger
green/red bell peppers
leeks
wood mushrooms
onions
peanuts
pineapple
potatoes
scallions
sprouts
tomatoes
white...
“Can I have these chopsticks? They’re now mine right? Like a souvenir?”
– Woman. And the answer is no. Are you allowed to take flatwear for other restaurants. (Although, if you’re cool, I give you a new, clean pair)
December 2009
5 posts
“Can I get as much of a booth as possible?”
– What?
“Can I get a make a order for da takeout?”
– customer on the phone. Nothing has been altered.
“Can I get this martini to go?”
– Older black lady, asking if her second martini can be put into a to-go cup for the road.
“Beef Chow Fun, and hold the fire.”
– customer pointing at the 火 symbol, which means ‘fire’ in Chinese, but spicy in the menu.
Do you have a reservation?
-The following scene takes place at 6pm on a Saturday night. There is already a waiting for tables.-
Hostess: Do you have a reservation? Customer: We do not. Is that a problem? H: Not at all. How many people in your party this evening? C: 40. H: 14? That’ll just be a moment… C: No, 40 people. H: *blank stare*
(For those that don’t understand, you NEVER go to a restaurant on a...
November 2009
3 posts
So, an elderly black lady called me over...
She made me get close, within whispering distance. She then asked,
“Do you have any Orientals working here?”
“Excuse me?”
“This is a Chinese restaurant? I don’t see any out here. Are there Orientals in the back?”
This is what my brain said, “Gur hur blah huh meh?”
I knew this is the language she grew up with and there was no malice or...
“…and that’s how I found $1000.”
– catching the very end of a conversation. I have no idea the context of that statement.
October 2009
4 posts
1 tag
I just walked away
Server: "Would you like brown rice or white rice?"
Customer 1: "Brown rice? Ew. I'll take white."
Customer 2: "You have something against brown rice? What are you, rice-ist?"
*groan*
Crazy neighbor lady
I was taking care of a indie/hipster couple, who just made my night. They were fun to talk to, easy going, and had been servers before, so they knew what no to ask for or say.
We got into a discussion about bad roommates, and they won easily with their story about a neighbor lady. This older widow had a number of quirks:
“The View” was giving women cancer through brainwashing
Any...
“I need to change my shirt. Do I need to do it here [the hostess stand], or can I...”
– hostess. If we had joked she couldn’t use the bathroom, I’m positive she would have disrobed right then and there.
September 2009
6 posts
The (Great) Depression
Her: "Do I want to keep that? Of course. You obviously weren't raised by people who grew up in the depression."
Me: "Oh no. I couldn't even imagine what the Great Depression was like."
Her: "I didn't say 'great'. Adjectives are so 19th Century."
2 tags
2 tags
“If its not 13% [alcohol], its not worth drinking in the morning.”
– Elderly woman discussing beer.
And you get upset over it?
A party shows up to the restaurant on a Saturday night, at 7:30pm, with 14 people, and NO reservation.
They are forced to wait 2 hours, and don’t understand why.
Is this selfishness, or ineptitude?
1 tag
“Asian kids don’t do your taxes anymore. They make robots to do that so...”
– a couple talking about adoption, and the benefits of certain ethnicities
2 tags
August 2009
4 posts
“You’re telling me, I’m paying $40 to cook my own food?”
– 3 out of 5 new customers to The Melting Pot
1 tag
“It wasn’t nearly as good as GI Joe.”
– man talking about “District 9”
2 tags
“That girl is so attractive, I would kill my mom for her. I would be come a...”
– Backwaiter, talking about a server.
2 tags
“You have them crunchies in there?”
– gentleman asking about the availiblility of wonton skins for his soup.
June 2009
5 posts
2 tags
“I’m not going to give a server more money than I give God.”
– Black woman telling her server friend why she doesn’t leave a tip at all. (Meaning, she doesn’t give God any money either?)
Johnny Depp gives me hope for tippers →
Really, I just want a $4000 tip.
There are a few customers who are truly legendary....
147xxxx: Hey there, what can I get for you today?
Hot Tranny Mess: (looking right at me)... Uh... cup of coffee
147xxxx: alright. iced coffee or hot coffee?
HTM: What?
147xxxx: Do you want iced coffee or hot coffee?
HTM: What's the difference?
147xxxx: ... uhm... (having to ignore my coworker next to the pastry case who has his back turned from the customer because he's closing to being hysterical) one is over ice and the other is... is hot.
HTM: Oh.... just hot.
147xxxx: Okay. What size? medium?
HTM: What sizes do you have?
147xxxx: We have a small (shows tall cup), medium (shows grande cup), and large (shows venti cup).
HTM: Do you have anything smaller than that cup (pointing to the venti one I'm currently holding)
147xxxx: ... yup, the MEDIUM (holds it up)
HTM: yeah. that.
We don't know what was wrong with this person.
2 tags
“You just move the decimal place over one. To get 15%, just add half of that....”
– Father passing on wisdom
2 tags
Flavored teas, or, the customer isn't always right
Customer: "I would like an unsweet tea."
Server: "Which of our two flavors would you like?"
C: "You don't have flavored teas."
S: "...we do. Either Mango or Blackberry Jasmine Green Tea."
C: "Neither. You don't have flavored teas. I just want plain unsweet tea."
May 2009
16 posts
2 tags
Makes me want to never joke around again
“There was this guy I was serving, and after he finished eating, he asked if I would pay for his dinner. I though he was joking around, because more people ask this than you would think, so I jokingly replied, ‘Sure. I’m paying.’ When I brought him the check, he got angry and wanted to see a manager. He complained that I had promised I would pay the bill, and demanded I...
2 tags
Results on tips; your thoughts?
After a month of gathering data (yay data!) on the tips that were left for myself, here are the initial results. If anyone really wants to see the Excel sheets, I can show you, and apologies for the statistical speak (it gets me excited).
(n= is the quantity of data in particular set; “outlier” is more than twice the standard deviation of the average)
Based on age & race (with...
1 tag
Its National Waitstaff Day! Do you know how to tip... →
A damn good, and reasonable, guide to tipping your server under various conditions. My favorite part:
The U.S. Government taxes servers, bartenders and baristas based upon an assumption that they made a certain percentage of their sales in tips. If you do not tip a server or a bartender in America at least 8%, you are actually costing your server money.
1 tag
“Hello?… Yes, this is Red Rocks. What do you want?”
– Hostess answering the phone. Courtesy of Sam.